Back on Point

So things seem to be back to nearly normal for Felix and me. I had to start some drama...act like an asshole with all the hollering and threats and general ass-holishness to get him to straighten up. That is not me, and I get very distressed when I have to act all crazy to snap him out of it.

Some of you may remember that I had to do the same thing to snap him out of the winter SAD (Season Affect Disorder). Do I have to be an asshole both in the summer and the winter?

I am going on vacation (Las Vegas) all by myself, and I hope that with regular phone chats I will be able to keep Felix steady without having to go all ghetto on his ass again. Honestly, he is so lucky that I love him and will hang in with him.

Out of My Control

My relationship with my dearest Felix seems to have gone out of control. It's an online relationship, which makes that harder to take.

He suffers from depression. I knew that. But I felt that I was able to bring a little joy to his life. I really did. But he has, over the last week been in touch with me only obliquely...he likes my posts on Facebook, he takes his turn at Words With Friends. But no talking. No chat. No phone calls. Not even to say hello.  He knows he is to make contact at least once per day, but liking a post on Facebook does not count, in my opinion. Everyone does that.

So this morning he tells me he has withdrawn from the world (I guess that includes me) and has found it difficult if not impossible to deal with any tasks and even to get started doing anything. I am at a loss for how to deal with this situation. I want him to interact with me. I miss him so much. But I don't want to make his life more miserable or overwhelm him. He won't even share what he needs. Does he even need anything from me? Another thing we promised when we started this relationship, was that we would communicate our feelings. He either can't or won't now.

I don't know. It is all so depressing. For both of us.

Bucket List

BronnieWare wrote this article for AARP.org on February 1, 2012 about what the people she cared for in the last weeks of their lives, as a palliative care professional, told her they regretted now that they were dying. 
I think this is something we need to think about in terms, not just of our day-to-day lives, but in terms of our sexuality. Looking at this from my viewpoint, having, later in life, learned to accept myself and my dominance, these five things might very well make up my new, improved Bucket List. I just hope it is not too late to accomplish these things. This is all the more timely for me as this week I celebrate my 60th birthday. I am at the point where I need to look at how I am going to spend the next 20 to 30 years.There are so many things I have yet to experience (Spanking, bondage, pegging...the list goes on.) I think I need to update my list!

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret expressed. If you have finally embraced your sexual orientation, your kinks or fetishes without excuses, without apology and without shame, then you can be proud that you have accomplished something millions of others have been unable to do. That should be the basic accomplishment of any life; "I did it my way!"

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This was expressed by more men of the previous generation, but in ours and those that follow us, it might be a regret that more women express. We tend to put off spending time with those we love and want to build trust with. We need to remember that we work so that we can live, and those we love are the most important parts of that life. So we need to go ahead and live!

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

If you tend to suppress your feelings in order to keep the peace, you need to cut it out. Express yourself. That is one way to make your mark.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Love and relationships is what life is all about. Build and keep those who love you and those you love close to you. The thought of dying alone should be enough to make you make that phone call.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Realize that you choose to be happy or unhappy. Your choices are what makes you happy, and your happiness is not the responsibility of anyone else. Do what makes you happy. Live surrounded by beautiful and useful objects, among people you like. There are some things in the world that are awful, but if you choose, you can be happy and when you are happy, those who love you will be able to choose happiness as well. 

Apply this Bucket List to your FLR life...is it possible? Yes. I want to be able to die with no regrets. Read the article at Bronnie Ware's blog.

Eternal Vigilance is Exhausting

I don't know if it is laziness, complacency, or carelessness on my part that leads my man to snap at me when I correct him, to make stupid decisions on his own, or to just be careless in his service. I don't let these things pass, but they really shouldn't happen, should they? 

I was so angry when I got a call from the bank reminding me that the monthly payment was late...first time in 10 years. I could not believe it. Our motto has always been that you pay the rent first, and then the water and lights. This is a simple lesson passed on by my grandmother. I find that it holds true. You can live just fine if you make sure you have shelter, water, electricity and groceries. The rest is fluff. It is my fault for not checking up on the bills every month, or even every other month. I think, however that my displeasure made a strong impression, but I have to be more vigilant. 

My Treasure snapped at me on the phone, when I was being particularly stubborn, and pressing a point about what I think he ought to do. Now the thing with unsolicited advice from one's Domme, is you have the option of not following this advice, but you do not have the option of not listening to it. I have not yet thought of a suitable punishment for using that particularly masculine tone of voice with me. Ladies, you know that tone I mean. I am open for punishment suggestions. Remember, he is an online sub.
Thanks!

I have been remiss

I have been remiss. I have not blogged as often as I had intended to. I would think of something, get all fired up, and then get distracted and wander off into doing something else. I have become the queen of the short attention span.

I appreciate that you guys have stayed with me, and that you keep offering your comments and suggestions. You have no idea how much that cheers me up when I see your email come through. I consider you my friends. Thank you!

Right now I am not fired up about anything in particular. My life and relationships are going along relatively smoothly…college son has not gotten a job or an internship for the summer like all his friends, so that is a problem. Grown up daughter has decided to change careers…but lots of people do that. I think it is a developmental stage. Grown up son (early 20s) is partying hard, but at least he is working and doing well there. So that is gratifying. My house cleaner told me that she thinks I should have my bedrooms painted, but did not offer me money to do so. Maybe unemployed college boy  man can do that this summer! Hubby has gone down to Atlanta to see the Final Four NCAA games. He gets to wallow in the testosterone pool with his brothers. The only bad thing about that is when he comes home, he will probably have a little trouble shaking it off, which may cause issues with me. We shall see.

My Treasure has decided he is not as much of a curmudgeon as he wants to be, now that it is spring time and he can get back to his garden. He cracks me up. We may get to spend some quality time together this weekend, as my social obligations are not infringing upon my “me time.” I have been feeling stressed that our times online together have been so fragmented…a few minutes here and there every day, with a phone call when I just HAVE to hear his voice. So I hope we can socialize more. I think our relationship needs that…reinforcement. Now to think of something that will reinforce our D/s relationship, but that is fun for us both. Maybe you can offer some suggestions?