Consensual BDSM for stress relief.

First of all, kudos to the scientists who are actually studying our kinky little ways, instead of dismissing them out of hand as perversions and mental disorders. In research presented last week at the annual meeting of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology in Austin, Texas they concluded that:

Consensual sadomasochism was long considered pathological, but psychologists studying people interested in BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism) have failed to find evidence that these sexual practices are harmful. One study, published in May 2013, actually found that practitioners of BDSM were better off than the general population in some ways, including having secure relationships and lower anxiety.

This is something that many of us already knew, and I think it may follow that those in Female Led Relationships may tend to have secure and satisfactory relationships and lower anxiety as well. I know that my anxiety is less than it used to be. I think part of the reason is that I understand the submissive man's viewpoint at lot better than I used to. And because I understand more, I respect more.

The scientists say that sadomasochism can result in a meditative or altered cognitive states for both the submissive and the dominant. (I think this is called "subspace" and "domspace".)

You can read the article here:
http://www.livescience.com/43502-sadomasochism-mind-alteration.html

Something else that I have been thinking about lately, is that feeling a dominant sadist gets of guilt for enjoying hurting someone you love, even though your submissive masochist has consented and actually desires being bound and disciplined. That is a whole other post, I guess.

(Image from my Tumblr, reposted from various other Tumblrs on the internet. If you own this image, and want it removed, then just send me a private message and I will delete it immediately.)

This Year's Going to be Better

Happy New Year, everyone. I am determined that 2014 is going to be better. I am "starting as I mean to go on," as my grandmother used to say. I am going to enforce my rules with my men, spread love and joy around as much as possible, do more of what I want to do, disengage from unwanted activities, exercise better supervision regarding hubby and subby so they are more efficient (and I am less pissed off).

I also have to remind myself every morning that assigning tasks to them and making them complete them is not unreasonable. In fact it is probably exactly what they need. So those are my resolutions for 2014.

What are you going to better or differently this year? Tell me (I might get some new ideas!)

Healing

"I am woman. Hear me roar..." yada, yada, yada and all that, sure. But sometimes I remember that all I ever wanted was to be his Baby. I am older than he is, yes, that, too. I am a little more experienced, true. I am old as well. But in my heart, in my secret self, sometimes I need to be his Baby.

I need him to hold me in his arms and reassure me. I need him to casually greet me, "Hey, Baby." (That warms me like nothing else.) I need him to say, "Of course I'll fix it, Baby Girl." When my heart is breaking, I need him to murmur, "Oh baby." When we are making love, I need him to tell me, "Damn, Baby!" When he begs, it tickles me when he says, "Please, Baby, Please..."

When my man calls me his baby, I would, at that moment do anything at all for him. At that moment, I know he is my protector, my champion, my knight.

I have learned that even though I am the leader in our relationship, sometimes I just need to toss that role aside and be his baby. HIS Baby.

Week of Horror

It has been a horrific week. Hubby's mobile phone. I think you know what I found. After initially trying to deny the evidence that I was holding in my hand, he admitted that he had been unfaithful to me. The woman had been with my husband once, evidently, and was anxious to try it again. They were planning an assignation for this past weekend.  He had not gotten as far as deciding how he was going to be allowed to be away from home overnight.

I am pretty sure he would have just given her some excuse and cancelled, because he could be fairly certain that I would not have allowed that. But of course, he had to project to her that he was his own man who could do whatever he wanted. In reality, he knew and she knew that he was following her orders. She had it all planned out, and he was to execute the plans for them to spend a romantic weekend together in a hotel. Paid for, of course out of OUR family funds.

So besides the intense horror and anger and sorrow I have been dealing with, the thought of him planning to use our resources on another woman has made me crazy. I have literally been beside myself. The betrayal of our promises to one another and the disregard for my feelings, my health and family all pale beside the enormity of the loss of the trust between us.  I am so horrified that he would risk losing everything good in his life in order to get a little pussy from another woman. I have asked him over and over what he was thinking and how he could think he would not get caught. All he can say is that he was not thinking at all. She spread her legs and told him to partake. And he did.

She is moving out of town soon, and this weekend was supposed, in his mind, to be one last fling before she disappeared from our lives. That is obviously not what she was thinking. She was already proposing that he travel to where she would be...sending him pictures of her new house, talking about setting up their love nest, and so on. He has this habit, you see, of ignoring bad things and hoping they will just sort themselves out and go away, instead of facing them and doing something about them. He is great at taking on positive things and making them happen, but bad things make him run away.  And after their sexual encounter, she was a bad thing.

In her mind, he was now her boyfriend, and she set about separating him from his wife. For his part, he made her happy by doing what she told him, saying what she wanted to hear, promising things he was never intending to deliver.  It is so much easier for him (always has been) to just go with the flow, do what women tell him to do.

The thing is. I love this man. I have loved him for 33 years. I know him and I know his heart. We have lost a child and raised our children together. We have built a family and a life together. I thought I could place all my trust in him. His betrayal of that trust breaks my heart. I won't give up on him. I care about his happiness, and I still want him to be the best man he can be. So, the work begins.

The first thing I did was supervised a break up between them. I had him text her that it ends now, and that they would never contact one another again. I had him delete all her contact information (I explained to him that from this day forward, she was dead to him) I had him remove all social network connections between the two of them. I had him cancel their hotel reservations. I reminded him that if she tries to contact him and he responds and doesn't let me know, he still risks losing everything.

Hubby is in lockdown until I notify him otherwise. He now has to get permission from me to spend money. Any work activities out of town or after 5 p.m. must be authorized by me. His travel is severely curtailed. Saturday, for the first time, he told his boss he could not work on a project that afternoon because his wife had other plans for him. (We actually had another crying and communicating session, which leaves us both emotionally drained). His phone, computer, email accounts, are all controlled by me. His days of autonomy and privacy no longer exist. He knows that if I find anything that concerns me there will be hell to pay.

Things are much better. He is focusing on me much better now...doing more around the house....BEING at the house with me....considering me when he schedules work activities. He is less fearful (I think he was afraid that if he rejected this woman she would confront me) and less standoffish (A red flag that I missed. He was avoiding me because of his guilt.). We are back to doing things together like we used to do, including just sitting beside one another reading. He is relaxed and happy to do whatever he is told. He needs to work on remembering which woman he takes orders from.

This, though, has resulted in more work for me. For the submissive, he has no more worries. Being completely open, having nothing to hide, having no one else to account to besides his wife, knowing what his duties are and doing them, leaves him with much more of the kind of freedom he craves. For me, I have to be firmer, less lackadaisical, keep track of calendars, money, and all the other management duties I thought I could trust him to do without. I was not giving him the leadership and guidance he needed.

I have a better idea now about how to provide my husband what he needs, and he has a better idea about what I need (I need him HOME and to put me first). Our work continues. Because in spite of everything, I love that man.

Be Her Lover, Be Her Husband

From the friend of a very good friend on Facebook. I think he says it all. I can't think of anything to add, but I felt I must share. I know you guys will be reading this in terms of an FLR, but it applies to any relationship between people who love/loved each other. Just read this.

By David Mikus (about a week ago)

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there. 

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love.

One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in your marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.