Be Her Lover, Be Her Husband

From the friend of a very good friend on Facebook. I think he says it all. I can't think of anything to add, but I felt I must share. I know you guys will be reading this in terms of an FLR, but it applies to any relationship between people who love/loved each other. Just read this.

By David Mikus (about a week ago)

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there. 

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love.

One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in your marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Catnip for Narcisissists

This is a very interesting discussion about Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Huffington Post. I just happened on it, but it struck me that many D/s relationships might have this sort of problem, just by the very nature of Dominance and Submission itself.

I know there are plenty (and perhaps a concentrated number) of "broken" people who are in the D/s lifestyle; people who have suffered from sexual abuse, mental abuse, etc. This seems that these people might be like catnip to narcissists: People who need to have someone worship them, for example.

I am not saying that all dominants are narcissists, but I bet a good number of them are. Just like those who are abusers and rapists.

Anyway, watch this and tell me what you think.

Back on Point

So things seem to be back to nearly normal for Felix and me. I had to start some drama...act like an asshole with all the hollering and threats and general ass-holishness to get him to straighten up. That is not me, and I get very distressed when I have to act all crazy to snap him out of it.

Some of you may remember that I had to do the same thing to snap him out of the winter SAD (Season Affect Disorder). Do I have to be an asshole both in the summer and the winter?

I am going on vacation (Las Vegas) all by myself, and I hope that with regular phone chats I will be able to keep Felix steady without having to go all ghetto on his ass again. Honestly, he is so lucky that I love him and will hang in with him.

Out of My Control

My relationship with my dearest Felix seems to have gone out of control. It's an online relationship, which makes that harder to take.

He suffers from depression. I knew that. But I felt that I was able to bring a little joy to his life. I really did. But he has, over the last week been in touch with me only obliquely...he likes my posts on Facebook, he takes his turn at Words With Friends. But no talking. No chat. No phone calls. Not even to say hello.  He knows he is to make contact at least once per day, but liking a post on Facebook does not count, in my opinion. Everyone does that.

So this morning he tells me he has withdrawn from the world (I guess that includes me) and has found it difficult if not impossible to deal with any tasks and even to get started doing anything. I am at a loss for how to deal with this situation. I want him to interact with me. I miss him so much. But I don't want to make his life more miserable or overwhelm him. He won't even share what he needs. Does he even need anything from me? Another thing we promised when we started this relationship, was that we would communicate our feelings. He either can't or won't now.

I don't know. It is all so depressing. For both of us.

Bucket List

BronnieWare wrote this article for AARP.org on February 1, 2012 about what the people she cared for in the last weeks of their lives, as a palliative care professional, told her they regretted now that they were dying. 
I think this is something we need to think about in terms, not just of our day-to-day lives, but in terms of our sexuality. Looking at this from my viewpoint, having, later in life, learned to accept myself and my dominance, these five things might very well make up my new, improved Bucket List. I just hope it is not too late to accomplish these things. This is all the more timely for me as this week I celebrate my 60th birthday. I am at the point where I need to look at how I am going to spend the next 20 to 30 years.There are so many things I have yet to experience (Spanking, bondage, pegging...the list goes on.) I think I need to update my list!

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret expressed. If you have finally embraced your sexual orientation, your kinks or fetishes without excuses, without apology and without shame, then you can be proud that you have accomplished something millions of others have been unable to do. That should be the basic accomplishment of any life; "I did it my way!"

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This was expressed by more men of the previous generation, but in ours and those that follow us, it might be a regret that more women express. We tend to put off spending time with those we love and want to build trust with. We need to remember that we work so that we can live, and those we love are the most important parts of that life. So we need to go ahead and live!

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

If you tend to suppress your feelings in order to keep the peace, you need to cut it out. Express yourself. That is one way to make your mark.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Love and relationships is what life is all about. Build and keep those who love you and those you love close to you. The thought of dying alone should be enough to make you make that phone call.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Realize that you choose to be happy or unhappy. Your choices are what makes you happy, and your happiness is not the responsibility of anyone else. Do what makes you happy. Live surrounded by beautiful and useful objects, among people you like. There are some things in the world that are awful, but if you choose, you can be happy and when you are happy, those who love you will be able to choose happiness as well. 

Apply this Bucket List to your FLR life...is it possible? Yes. I want to be able to die with no regrets. Read the article at Bronnie Ware's blog.