Out of My Control

My relationship with my dearest Felix seems to have gone out of control. It's an online relationship, which makes that harder to take.

He suffers from depression. I knew that. But I felt that I was able to bring a little joy to his life. I really did. But he has, over the last week been in touch with me only obliquely...he likes my posts on Facebook, he takes his turn at Words With Friends. But no talking. No chat. No phone calls. Not even to say hello.  He knows he is to make contact at least once per day, but liking a post on Facebook does not count, in my opinion. Everyone does that.

So this morning he tells me he has withdrawn from the world (I guess that includes me) and has found it difficult if not impossible to deal with any tasks and even to get started doing anything. I am at a loss for how to deal with this situation. I want him to interact with me. I miss him so much. But I don't want to make his life more miserable or overwhelm him. He won't even share what he needs. Does he even need anything from me? Another thing we promised when we started this relationship, was that we would communicate our feelings. He either can't or won't now.

I don't know. It is all so depressing. For both of us.

Bucket List

BronnieWare wrote this article for AARP.org on February 1, 2012 about what the people she cared for in the last weeks of their lives, as a palliative care professional, told her they regretted now that they were dying. 
I think this is something we need to think about in terms, not just of our day-to-day lives, but in terms of our sexuality. Looking at this from my viewpoint, having, later in life, learned to accept myself and my dominance, these five things might very well make up my new, improved Bucket List. I just hope it is not too late to accomplish these things. This is all the more timely for me as this week I celebrate my 60th birthday. I am at the point where I need to look at how I am going to spend the next 20 to 30 years.There are so many things I have yet to experience (Spanking, bondage, pegging...the list goes on.) I think I need to update my list!

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret expressed. If you have finally embraced your sexual orientation, your kinks or fetishes without excuses, without apology and without shame, then you can be proud that you have accomplished something millions of others have been unable to do. That should be the basic accomplishment of any life; "I did it my way!"

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This was expressed by more men of the previous generation, but in ours and those that follow us, it might be a regret that more women express. We tend to put off spending time with those we love and want to build trust with. We need to remember that we work so that we can live, and those we love are the most important parts of that life. So we need to go ahead and live!

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

If you tend to suppress your feelings in order to keep the peace, you need to cut it out. Express yourself. That is one way to make your mark.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Love and relationships is what life is all about. Build and keep those who love you and those you love close to you. The thought of dying alone should be enough to make you make that phone call.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Realize that you choose to be happy or unhappy. Your choices are what makes you happy, and your happiness is not the responsibility of anyone else. Do what makes you happy. Live surrounded by beautiful and useful objects, among people you like. There are some things in the world that are awful, but if you choose, you can be happy and when you are happy, those who love you will be able to choose happiness as well. 

Apply this Bucket List to your FLR life...is it possible? Yes. I want to be able to die with no regrets. Read the article at Bronnie Ware's blog.