Venus in Furs

Now reading Sader-Masoch's "Venus in Furs." It is free on Amazaon Kindle.  But what struck me right away, is this passage:

"Man is the one who desires, woman the one who is desired. This is woman's entire but decisive advantage. Through his passion nature has given man into woman's hands, and the woman who does not know how to make him her subject, her slave, her toy, and how to betray him with a smile in the end is not wise."

"The more devoted a woman shows herself, the sooner the man sobers down and becomes domineering. The more cruelly she treats him and the more faithless she is, the worse she uses him, the more wantonly she plays with him, the less pity she shows him, by so much the more will she increase his desire, be loved, worshipped by him. So it has always been, since the time of Helen and Delilah, down to Catherine the Second and Lola Montez."

This has the ring of absolute truth to me, and it is something we women know instinctively. The sad part is that when we fall in love for the first time (or the fiftieth) we tend to forget this. And we should always remember it.

Subby Christmas Party

Had a new experience. The Wednesday before Christmas, I accompanied my treasure to a Christmas party given by his men's submissive group at their headquarters. I was interested to see where they held their meetings and to meet some of the people in the group. Interestingly, the leader of the group was a Dom (a dominant man). I think it is very unique that a Dom would take it upon himself to get a group of submissive men together for mutual support and learning. And kind of sweet.

It was kind of strange for me to be The Date to my treasure at an event like this. I behaved exactly like a girlfriend should, and I could tell he was proud to show me off. It was fun. And I felt good about doing him proud. A lovely evening, and a lovely subby.

Why I love him

I gave my treasure a writing assignment. I believe it is helpful to both of us to do a quality check once in a while, so I know if I am doing what I should for him, and he knows how I feel about his service and his care for me. So I had him write out a status report, as it were. That inspired me to to write an email to him explaining why I love him. This is why I love my old man, my submissive man, my treasure.

My treasure, that was so special. Now I have to do an assignment myself. What do I treasure about you?
I treasure your support and loyalty, and how you are quick to help me, to comfort me. I love your companionship, and you always make me laugh. It is touching how you are sometimes shy with me. Your sense of adventure is precious to me. You are always up for something new, and you have a passion for learning new things. You also are able to lead as well as follow, and I am proud of you every day, watching you do that in your management of the denizens of the mansion.

All in all, I have the feeling that you are a much nicer person than me...and I am so glad that you have decided to surrender to me, and I can count on you to keep me grounded and on the right path, by the sheer force your goodness. Do you know, I have never ever seen you be mean to someone? Stay as beautiful as you are.

I will do much better in keeping you bound up and bound to me. Promise.

Love,
Your Domina

So Many Issues, So Many Questions

Caught a glimpse of the title of a forum...Interracial D/s relationships. Didn't stop to read it, but I wonder, what is the deal with that? I may not have mentioned that I am African-American (Black) and my Treasure is Caucasian. He is also older than me, though not by much. I can honestly say that we have not once thought about these things in our relationship...well, I haven't. I wonder if he has issues around that? (I seriously doubt it, though.) The issue of race comes up in our conversation very incidentally...and we accommodate it, laugh at it, or it is just incidental to the topic.

I have to say, though, that he does eat "white people food." What is the deal with Brussels Sprouts anyway? (He taunts me with them!)

Dommesticity: Do submissive men hate women?

Dommesticity: Do submissive men hate women? 

Amai cites a survey on the attitudes of dominant and submissive men. Interestingly, the submissive men seem to have more sexist attitudes than the dominant men, as well as lower self-esteem. Read the article for some interesting insights.

Provides a possible answer to the issue of submissive men not being able to find a Domme and having to resort to paying a professional. I know I do not have any interest in dealing with a big pile of self-esteem issues and neediness. I like a strong self-confident submissive man.

My Treasure's Blog

Last night, My Treasure made a blog. Her Treasure: My journey in submission is brand spanking new. It's an outgrowth of a discussion we had last night. I got the idea from some couples' blogs I had been reading, and got to thinking that this might be a great way for the two of us to learn more about one another, thus becoming more intimate.

Our talk, which took place in Second Life (SL) after he gave me a bath, and we made love, was very satisfying to me. He was so open to journaling with me and has jumped right in with both feet. I am looking forward to us chronicling our parallel journeys to where our lives have intersected. You see, that is how you get to know someone's heart. The stories they share.

Though I only see him in SL, he is the treasure of my heart in Real Life. I can hardly wait to discover and understand him so that together we can have the best relationship possible within the constraints of the rest of our lives.


Image: zirconicusso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Feeling of Being Owned

My Treasure said to me the other day that he likes to be bound, wear his collar, as well as go around leashed to me, because it gives him a satisfactory feeling of being owned. He said that he has never been very social, not much of a "joiner." Being bound, collared and leashed makes him like he belongs (at least in our alternate universe).

Of course, he belongs to me, but I have always been careful to protect him from the vanilla men we encounter (women do not seem to find it odd that I have a submissive) by just requiring the collar. Evidently I do not need to protect him. He likes it. He told me that being collared and leashed in public, and bound in private (and sometimes in public!) tells the world that I have chosen him, that he is capable of satisfying a strong, outgoing and successful woman. So, his collar and leash are his way of showing off!

The important thing, though, is that it makes him feel safe, cared for and that I am thinking of him. That I am showing the world that "he is Mine." I am showing the world that he is someone I care about and care for. So I am showing off, too. Maybe I will take him for a walk on his leash this evening.

Reading about Female Dominance

When I first met Teddie, and realized that there was much I didn't know, and that in order to keep him happy and to get the most enjoyment out of having my very own subby, I would need to do some research. This is because my learning style is to read it in a book, and then practice what I learn.

My husband had just given me a Kindle for Christmas. Kindles are awesome. They allow you to download the kind of books people would question you about if you were caught reading them in public, and the kind of books your teenagers would ask about if they saw them in your bookshelf. So, with a password protected Kindle, I was all set.

So I found on the Amazon website, my first book about female dominance. The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance by Mistress Lorelei gave me an excellent start. I love that book, and I love Mistress Lorelei. I was able to easily adapt her instructions about how to train a submissive to my online situation. And most importantly, I was able to understand that I am not a freak. My dominant personality and the dominant personalities of the women that raised me are actually normal, and perhaps the way things should be. It is my bible. I read it again and again for refreshing my skills (for use with My Treasure and My Husband, both) and sometimes I just read it for entertainment.

This is a website, not a book, but I have read every word of Real Women Don't Do Housework, by Lady Misato. I love when you get step-by-step instructions. Her instructions on how to train your husband (and why it works) are right on target and easy to follow.

I am kind of hesitant about "coming out" to my husband, and have controlled things in my marriage is a stealth way (hence the title of this blog) which I know is basically dishonest. (But then again, does my husband have the right to know everything I am thinking? Are not my thoughts my own?) So anyway, reading Lady Misato's website gave me the idea about getting my husband, who works incredibly hard, but still does not do much around the house, to participate more. If I asked him directly, he will do what I ask, but not with a cheerful, compliant, attitude, which is what I like. After all, he lives here too.  Also, I don't think I should have to ask repeatedly for him to do the floors or put his socks in the hamper instead of on the floor beside the hamper.

In my next post, I will tell you how Lady Misato's method is working for us. In the meantime, I recommend these books for the beginning female domestic dominant. They might be the only thing you need to get started on a more satisfying relationship with your man.

My Treasure, my knight

One day in Second Life, I met my Treasure. My Knight. He has only ever wanted to serve me. He is a strong man, a protective man, and he belongs to me, heart and soul. He came into my Second Life at the exact moment that I needed him. And he offered his service to me.

Now we have been together online more than a year. My relationship with him has taught me so much about how a man who wishes to serve actually feels. He felt unsure of himself after several failed relationships online and in real life, but eventually he was able to place himself in my relatively inexperienced hands.

I learned so much from him. We started going to munches and seminars and discussion groups. He has a submissive men's support group he attends regularly, and I enjoy hearing the summary when he comes home. We make a point of learning something new every month about Dominance and submission. We also make a point of doing a quality check periodically. I ask him how I'm doing and ask for suggestion for improvement. He doesn't have to ask me...I always point out his shortcomings as I notice them.

My Treasure likes to show the world that he is owned by me. So even though it is not something I think much about, he likes to be leashed when we go out. He likes me to have him sit on the floor facing me when we are in company (kind of disconcerting to my friends, but they are too well-mannered to interefere) and he likes when others ask may they speak to him.

I have always thought of him as my bodyguard. He is strong and imposing, and he serves me from a position of strength. The Queen and her knight. He gives his life to serve me of his own volition, and is always watching for danger. He is quick to protect me and steer me out of harm's way. He is my Knight. I am his Queen. He is my votary. I am his Goddess.

What I Learned from Teddie

I used to not be able to relate to a D/s life view at all. I felt sorry for submissive people (especially submissive women) and always said that they should just suck it up and take charge of their lives! Dammit! I thought of these people as kind of freeloaders in life...not taking charge of themselves, not taking charge of their sexual satisfaction. Then I met my online friend in Second Life.

Teddie approached me. He offered his assistance to me, when I really wasn't in need of it. After all, I am an independent strong woman. What did I need a man for? But he insisted on helping me, and the more I rejected his help, the closer he stuck to me. Eventually, it dawned on me that having a helpful man about might be useful. And plus, I was feeling kind of lonely in SL. I was ready for a new friend.

CC-BY-SA-2.

Teddie revealed to me, after we became close..very close...friends, that he was submissive man. His fantasy has always been that he was responsible for keeping several women sexually satisfied and happy, and that he was able to do it! All the women would have whatever their hearts desired, and he would make sure they had it. What he wanted from me was to share my fantasy with him, and he would make it happen, and that would be the be-all and end-all of his second life. In real life, he had an indifferent wife. She treated him like a roommate that she liked well enough. He was starved for someone to please. He was unable to please his wife, because she never noticed him. So I agreed to let him please me.

That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. He worked so hard to please me, and please me he did. He did tell me that my instinct, which was to be so happy and grateful to him for pleasing me that I simply wanted to love him up and let him off the hook, so to speak, was not conducive to his development. I should  never thank him. I should just appreciate what he does for me. I should also share ways he can improve what he does for me. More appreciation, less gratitude. That was hard for me to learn, but I am learning it. (Practicing on my husband.)

After all, being adored, worshiped and pleased by men was my due as a woman. And his pleasure was to create my pleasure and for me to accept the offering of his submission. So I did. He will always be my dear, dear friend, my mentor, and my votary. Don't see him much nowadays. He has found a nice lady in real life that he can please in all ways. He's happy. She's happy, I bet. And I am happy for the lessons my Teddie-bear taught me.

A Little Background

When I got married, I knew what kind of person I was and still am. I was raised by a mother and grandmother who knew who they were and did what they wanted to do. They both had husbands who adored them and would do whatever it took to make them happy.

When I found my husband, I knew that he was the same kind of man. He adores me, and he really will do whatever it takes to make me happy. We rarely fight, and when we do, it is over something trivial, and it is over in a few seconds. Once we didn't speak for an hour, and both of us were miserable. I recently realized it is because he backs down because he knows that I am usually right, he can't tell me what to do, and that his life will be so much easier if I get my way.

My aunt's husband told me once, that the secret of his happy life is that he does exactly what his wife tells him to do, and thus he is free of any kind of stress at all, and has the time and the support to achieve HIS dreams. My husband, I suspect, feels the same way. Because really, his home is his sanctuary, because I am there, and I am happy and satisfied.

I did not realize, until a couple of years ago, that my husband, my father, my step-grandfather, my uncle...they are all submissive men. They would not like to hear that, but they actually are.