Friday, May 25, 2012


“When you’ve lost all your play, guess what love becomes. Work. Work that gets harder every hour.” — Martin Amis, House of Meetings
What we do is play. We call it a lifestyle, but our FLR lifestyle necessarily consists of hundreds of times more playing than average couples experience. If we did not do this on purpose, if this were not fun, if this were not heartbreakingly loving, we could not, would not do it. We would be simply more faceless people in the mass of faceless people that cover the earth. By playing the way we do, we are more present in our lives and the lives of our lovers. We pay attention. We play.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Robbing Mistress to Pay Miss

The Purple Mobius symbol for Polyamory, non-mo...
The Purple Mobius symbol for Polyamory, non-monogamy, and LGBTQ. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I have had some thoughts about polyamory lately. One of the bloggers I read is shared by his wife with her friend, and the friend seems to be developing, in my opinion (not that it is any of my business really) an unhealthy attachment to the slave hubby.

It has been my experience that man-sharing with another woman is usually extremely dangerous. There are several reasons for this:
  • When a man's attention wavers from Mistress, he gets distracted from his primary mission. You do not want that. Most of the discussion I have read centers on ways to keep your submissive's attentions and efforts focused on Mistress. Man-sharing subverts your efforts, no matter how well-intentioned.
  • Sorry to have to say this, my sisters, but the other woman starts to do what I call, "pissing in the corners." She will start to mark out territory. Even a submissive woman will do this. You have no way of knowing what she is telling him in the boudoir if you are not there.You do not know what she is giving him that he can't get from you. You should be making sure that he understands that what YOU give him is all he is entitled to.
  • It is my opinion and experience that a man cannot serve two mistresses, whether that other mistress is work, porn or another woman. (We all know that when a person is abusing pornography, he (normally he) begins to impose his fantasy life on his real live partner, who cannot measure up to the fantasy.) This is an excellent reason to limit your submissive's use of pornography. We might apply that same reasoning to a submissive's relationship with another domme.
It is my opinion and experience that a successful poly relationship must consist of one woman and two or more men. The men have only one goddess to worship and serve, and even if they do have sexual relations with the other men, they will all still focus on the woman. Any competition between the men would enhance their attentions to the woman. (Maybe a poly relationship between all women would work, also. That is a whole different subject.)

I have been thinking about and reading about the possible reasons for this phenomenon. (This is not scientific or anything, but I have been around the block a time or two, so I can express MY observations here, right? Anecdotal evidence only, folks.)

It all goes back to the basic biological fact that sex and love mean different things to men and women. Women, in general, value sex more with a partner that they care about. I have read over and over that women who engage in cuckolding their partner, eventually develop feelings for their "trophy cock" owner, unless of course they specifically take measures to avoid becoming attached.

Men, in general, on the other hand, can spread it around and save their love for one woman, even while engaging in  random sex with anything that walks upright. Therefore, in the case of a poly-amorous triad involving two women and one man, a man may try to keep peace in the house by trying to please both women, while being unaware that in doing so, one woman is bound to be slighted. He might end up robbing Mistress to make Miss happy.

Or, it might be his fantasy that he is man enough to satisfy any number of women; a kind of harem fantasy. Dominant men as well as submissive men have this fantasy. And I have seen over and over, that dominant men fail at achieving that fantasy, too. I can't count how many times I have heard a sub woman say, "Master doesn't have time for me." Master is spending his time trying to keep them all happy. Ask any Sister-Wife.

I warn my sisters who are in a poly relationship or who may be contemplating sharing your subby boy with your girlfriend. Watch that dynamic closely and be ready to cut it off at the first sign that she is marking out territory with your man, or if you see that he is not able to keep up with YOUR needs because he is dividing his efforts trying to keep up with HERS.

The first time he is too tired to do something you have instructed him to do, or when he just seems to be going through the motions, nip that shit in the bud. Just saying.

Man-sharing is dangerous.

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Love Languages

Everyone in this FLR blogosphere seems to be doing that Love Languages assessment thingy. I wonder how many people actually bought the product after playing with it.

Well, my treasure and I took the assessment quiz. While the results were not really surprising to us, it did enable us to have a conversation about what is important to each of us when it comes to expressing love and feeling loved. I think we needed the conversation, because we had been having an issue with our communication skills lately. The assessment confirmed things we knew, and revealed some things about one another that further confirmed what we knew. This is mine:

Love Language Scores:
11 Words of Affirmation
7 Quality Time
5 Receiving Gifts
5 Acts of Service
2 Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important--hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Now my treasure's results were mostly Acts of Service (no surprise there), then Quality Time, at 7, just like my own score, and then Words of Affirmation.

We both scored low on Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch, which is convenient since we are in an online relationship. This might be the reason our relationship works. What is most important for us is the Acts of Service, the Quality Time spent together, and the words. We have decided to maximize the time we spend together. He will work on communicating his feelings to me, and I will let myself be served more intentionally.

Playing this little game actually did function as a tool for us to use in our communication-building. I think if we remember what motivates the other, it will be a positive way to strengthen our relationship, too. Maybe I WILL buy the book!

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New Display Cabinet

my treasure and I were in Second Life last evening, exploring the grid, as we frequently do, when we found this really neat wood display cage, wall-mounted, in one of the Shibari sims. We immediately bought one and mounted it on the wall in our living room. I did not know what to do with it right away, but I did know that my treasure likes being restrained, while I am not all that into tying people up in ropes and knots. We found that this object appeals to both of us. Because of the Restrained Life relay in his collar, when I put him into the cage, posed decoratively, with his cock protruding from the bars, he was actually unable to leave the cage. I made sure he was unable to call for help as well. It has a timer on it, and I can set it for Real Life time or Second Life time.

I found that I enjoyed having him restrained like this, as it did not seem to me that he was being injured in any way, but yet, he was able to focus his entire attention on me and that is all. I have a feeling we will be using this lovely display cabinet in many ways for a while. Besides, he is so decorative himself, I think of him in that contraption as Art.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

How do I get my partner to dominate me?: Evolutionary Psychology and male chastity - what's in it for her?

How do I get my partner to dominate me?: Evolutionary Psychology and male chastity - what's in it for her?

This post by Giles English gives me something to think about. This justification for male chastity seems to be right on target for me. Take a look and tell me what you think. I think that getting an orgasm without having to worry about being penetrated is the nirvana I have been looking for all my life! Why, I could have one every day, if that were the case!

Next book I am going to read is the Vanilla Dominatrix by Giles English. 
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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

How do you know?

I was visiting my favorite forum today (At Her Feet) and one of the topics really got me to thinking. The poster was saying that he and his wife have never met any other couples in a Female Led Relationship, even among all the kinksters they have met.

I submit that an FLR is something many, if not most couples keep under wraps, since it is outside the traditional stated norms in our society. Therefore, it would be hard to spot under normal circumstances.

I also believe that it is more common than we would think, because of that reason, and also because many relationships are female-led, but the couple does not think in those terms, since they are basically vanilla. Any marriage/relationship in which the husband defers to the wife, in which she makes the decisions, in which her desires guide their lives together, in which she controls the what, when, where and how of their sex life and myriad other things, is a FLR.

I see it all around me, now that I know enough to look for it.

In my own marriage, I never knew. I knew that I made most of the big decisions, I controlled our social and sex life, my desires and satisfaction always takes priority and that my husband actively looks for ways to please me. I thought these were completely natural. I knew that I do not like to be bossed around, especially by my husband. I know that I demand that I be respected, spoken to respectfully and politely, and that I must be asked, rather than told. Again, I find these things completely natural. That is how I was raised, and my parents and grandparents were good role models for this.

So how does a couple know if they are in a Female-Led Relationship? Tell me your ideas, please. Let's get a dialogue going.