Wednesday, May 2, 2012

How do you know?

I was visiting my favorite forum today (At Her Feet) and one of the topics really got me to thinking. The poster was saying that he and his wife have never met any other couples in a Female Led Relationship, even among all the kinksters they have met.

I submit that an FLR is something many, if not most couples keep under wraps, since it is outside the traditional stated norms in our society. Therefore, it would be hard to spot under normal circumstances.

I also believe that it is more common than we would think, because of that reason, and also because many relationships are female-led, but the couple does not think in those terms, since they are basically vanilla. Any marriage/relationship in which the husband defers to the wife, in which she makes the decisions, in which her desires guide their lives together, in which she controls the what, when, where and how of their sex life and myriad other things, is a FLR.

I see it all around me, now that I know enough to look for it.

In my own marriage, I never knew. I knew that I made most of the big decisions, I controlled our social and sex life, my desires and satisfaction always takes priority and that my husband actively looks for ways to please me. I thought these were completely natural. I knew that I do not like to be bossed around, especially by my husband. I know that I demand that I be respected, spoken to respectfully and politely, and that I must be asked, rather than told. Again, I find these things completely natural. That is how I was raised, and my parents and grandparents were good role models for this.

So how does a couple know if they are in a Female-Led Relationship? Tell me your ideas, please. Let's get a dialogue going.


  1. Ms. Naydi-
    What an interesting idea: 'Vanilla couples may actually be Female Led'. In thinking about it, I think I agree with you for some of the couples I know.

    For us, we are very much out in the open and anyone visiting our home will see evidence of the fact we are in a Female Led Relationship and that I get spanked.

    Ken (SpankedbymyLady Blog)

  2. I guess getting spanked might be a clue. Does being "out" in front of your friends and family make them uncomfortable?

    1. About the only family we have is her daughter, who introduced us knowing of my 'kink'. Friends just understand its who we are and what we do.

  3. MsNaydi,
    I don't know that our relationship is entirely "female lead" in the sense that it may be described on FLR message boards such as "At Her Feet" and "She Makes the Rules".

    I make most of the major money decisions, usually without even consulting her. My wife seems sometimes reluctant to make decisions, so I will usually make them but they are subject to her veto. I am simply more decisive and impatient than she is.

    Our social calendar is almost entirely up to her. I really have little input in what we do as a family and who we socialize with on the weekends. She goes out with her friends while I watch the kids, probably 3 times a month, whereas I probably go out alone maybe that many times in a year. As a submissive man, it is a turn-on to me to have to pick up and put the kids to bed while she parties and gossips about husbands.

    In the bedroom, my wife's sexual pleasure is the main focus. I would say she climaxes about four times more than me. Basically, I am turned on by the double standard. I think it's hot as heck when she masturbates (although that is rare), but she absolutely does not allow me to "take care of myself". I perform oral sex on her probably about 50x as often as she does so on me. I don't know that she's ever given me a massage, but sex is just about out of the question unless we start with a massage for her.

    FLR seem to be very unique to each couple. I am probably more "into it" than she is and generally speaking wish she was more dominant to me. Nothing makes me happier than to be tied up naked while she haves her way with me :)


    1. Interestingly, your relationship sounds very much like my own. No matter what you call it, if the wife takes the lead, and the husband has submitted to her authority (implicitly or explicitly) then it is a FLR. I have begun to entertain myself by trying to spot these couples.

      Some hints: When asked to go play golf or cards, the man says, "Let me check with my wife." When I look directly at him, he drops his eyes and they dart toward his wife. When I ask him a question, his eyes dart toward his wife before he answers. :)

  4. I think any relationship where both parties recognize the lady as having more power, to whatever degree, is a FLR. It does not have to be a D/S or M/S relationship. Just the simple agreement that the women in in control.

    My second marriage failed, to some degree, because my wife was Dominant, but did not think she should be. She kept wanting decisions to be jointly made, and when I would defer to her opinion, became incensed. Of course, trying to forward my own opinion made her even more angry. And this was a purely vanilla relationship.

    As long as both partners are happy with the degree of control given the woman, it can be considered a FLR.

    1. I think there is a significant turning point in a relationship when the partners recognize that they are in a FLR and decide to accept that. I think that would be a beautiful moment.


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