Healing

"I am woman. Hear me roar..." yada, yada, yada and all that, sure. But sometimes I remember that all I ever wanted was to be his Baby. I am older than he is, yes, that, too. I am a little more experienced, true. I am old as well. But in my heart, in my secret self, sometimes I need to be his Baby.

I need him to hold me in his arms and reassure me. I need him to casually greet me, "Hey, Baby." (That warms me like nothing else.) I need him to say, "Of course I'll fix it, Baby Girl." When my heart is breaking, I need him to murmur, "Oh baby." When we are making love, I need him to tell me, "Damn, Baby!" When he begs, it tickles me when he says, "Please, Baby, Please..."

When my man calls me his baby, I would, at that moment do anything at all for him. At that moment, I know he is my protector, my champion, my knight.

I have learned that even though I am the leader in our relationship, sometimes I just need to toss that role aside and be his baby. HIS Baby.

Week of Horror

It has been a horrific week. Hubby's mobile phone. I think you know what I found. After initially trying to deny the evidence that I was holding in my hand, he admitted that he had been unfaithful to me. The woman had been with my husband once, evidently, and was anxious to try it again. They were planning an assignation for this past weekend.  He had not gotten as far as deciding how he was going to be allowed to be away from home overnight.

I am pretty sure he would have just given her some excuse and cancelled, because he could be fairly certain that I would not have allowed that. But of course, he had to project to her that he was his own man who could do whatever he wanted. In reality, he knew and she knew that he was following her orders. She had it all planned out, and he was to execute the plans for them to spend a romantic weekend together in a hotel. Paid for, of course out of OUR family funds.

So besides the intense horror and anger and sorrow I have been dealing with, the thought of him planning to use our resources on another woman has made me crazy. I have literally been beside myself. The betrayal of our promises to one another and the disregard for my feelings, my health and family all pale beside the enormity of the loss of the trust between us.  I am so horrified that he would risk losing everything good in his life in order to get a little pussy from another woman. I have asked him over and over what he was thinking and how he could think he would not get caught. All he can say is that he was not thinking at all. She spread her legs and told him to partake. And he did.

She is moving out of town soon, and this weekend was supposed, in his mind, to be one last fling before she disappeared from our lives. That is obviously not what she was thinking. She was already proposing that he travel to where she would be...sending him pictures of her new house, talking about setting up their love nest, and so on. He has this habit, you see, of ignoring bad things and hoping they will just sort themselves out and go away, instead of facing them and doing something about them. He is great at taking on positive things and making them happen, but bad things make him run away.  And after their sexual encounter, she was a bad thing.

In her mind, he was now her boyfriend, and she set about separating him from his wife. For his part, he made her happy by doing what she told him, saying what she wanted to hear, promising things he was never intending to deliver.  It is so much easier for him (always has been) to just go with the flow, do what women tell him to do.

The thing is. I love this man. I have loved him for 33 years. I know him and I know his heart. We have lost a child and raised our children together. We have built a family and a life together. I thought I could place all my trust in him. His betrayal of that trust breaks my heart. I won't give up on him. I care about his happiness, and I still want him to be the best man he can be. So, the work begins.

The first thing I did was supervised a break up between them. I had him text her that it ends now, and that they would never contact one another again. I had him delete all her contact information (I explained to him that from this day forward, she was dead to him) I had him remove all social network connections between the two of them. I had him cancel their hotel reservations. I reminded him that if she tries to contact him and he responds and doesn't let me know, he still risks losing everything.

Hubby is in lockdown until I notify him otherwise. He now has to get permission from me to spend money. Any work activities out of town or after 5 p.m. must be authorized by me. His travel is severely curtailed. Saturday, for the first time, he told his boss he could not work on a project that afternoon because his wife had other plans for him. (We actually had another crying and communicating session, which leaves us both emotionally drained). His phone, computer, email accounts, are all controlled by me. His days of autonomy and privacy no longer exist. He knows that if I find anything that concerns me there will be hell to pay.

Things are much better. He is focusing on me much better now...doing more around the house....BEING at the house with me....considering me when he schedules work activities. He is less fearful (I think he was afraid that if he rejected this woman she would confront me) and less standoffish (A red flag that I missed. He was avoiding me because of his guilt.). We are back to doing things together like we used to do, including just sitting beside one another reading. He is relaxed and happy to do whatever he is told. He needs to work on remembering which woman he takes orders from.

This, though, has resulted in more work for me. For the submissive, he has no more worries. Being completely open, having nothing to hide, having no one else to account to besides his wife, knowing what his duties are and doing them, leaves him with much more of the kind of freedom he craves. For me, I have to be firmer, less lackadaisical, keep track of calendars, money, and all the other management duties I thought I could trust him to do without. I was not giving him the leadership and guidance he needed.

I have a better idea now about how to provide my husband what he needs, and he has a better idea about what I need (I need him HOME and to put me first). Our work continues. Because in spite of everything, I love that man.

Be Her Lover, Be Her Husband

From the friend of a very good friend on Facebook. I think he says it all. I can't think of anything to add, but I felt I must share. I know you guys will be reading this in terms of an FLR, but it applies to any relationship between people who love/loved each other. Just read this.

By David Mikus (about a week ago)

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 37 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there. 

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love.

One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in your marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Catnip for Narcisissists

This is a very interesting discussion about Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Huffington Post. I just happened on it, but it struck me that many D/s relationships might have this sort of problem, just by the very nature of Dominance and Submission itself.

I know there are plenty (and perhaps a concentrated number) of "broken" people who are in the D/s lifestyle; people who have suffered from sexual abuse, mental abuse, etc. This seems that these people might be like catnip to narcissists: People who need to have someone worship them, for example.

I am not saying that all dominants are narcissists, but I bet a good number of them are. Just like those who are abusers and rapists.

Anyway, watch this and tell me what you think.

Back on Point

So things seem to be back to nearly normal for Felix and me. I had to start some drama...act like an asshole with all the hollering and threats and general ass-holishness to get him to straighten up. That is not me, and I get very distressed when I have to act all crazy to snap him out of it.

Some of you may remember that I had to do the same thing to snap him out of the winter SAD (Season Affect Disorder). Do I have to be an asshole both in the summer and the winter?

I am going on vacation (Las Vegas) all by myself, and I hope that with regular phone chats I will be able to keep Felix steady without having to go all ghetto on his ass again. Honestly, he is so lucky that I love him and will hang in with him.

Out of My Control

My relationship with my dearest Felix seems to have gone out of control. It's an online relationship, which makes that harder to take.

He suffers from depression. I knew that. But I felt that I was able to bring a little joy to his life. I really did. But he has, over the last week been in touch with me only obliquely...he likes my posts on Facebook, he takes his turn at Words With Friends. But no talking. No chat. No phone calls. Not even to say hello.  He knows he is to make contact at least once per day, but liking a post on Facebook does not count, in my opinion. Everyone does that.

So this morning he tells me he has withdrawn from the world (I guess that includes me) and has found it difficult if not impossible to deal with any tasks and even to get started doing anything. I am at a loss for how to deal with this situation. I want him to interact with me. I miss him so much. But I don't want to make his life more miserable or overwhelm him. He won't even share what he needs. Does he even need anything from me? Another thing we promised when we started this relationship, was that we would communicate our feelings. He either can't or won't now.

I don't know. It is all so depressing. For both of us.

Bucket List

BronnieWare wrote this article for AARP.org on February 1, 2012 about what the people she cared for in the last weeks of their lives, as a palliative care professional, told her they regretted now that they were dying. 
I think this is something we need to think about in terms, not just of our day-to-day lives, but in terms of our sexuality. Looking at this from my viewpoint, having, later in life, learned to accept myself and my dominance, these five things might very well make up my new, improved Bucket List. I just hope it is not too late to accomplish these things. This is all the more timely for me as this week I celebrate my 60th birthday. I am at the point where I need to look at how I am going to spend the next 20 to 30 years.There are so many things I have yet to experience (Spanking, bondage, pegging...the list goes on.) I think I need to update my list!

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret expressed. If you have finally embraced your sexual orientation, your kinks or fetishes without excuses, without apology and without shame, then you can be proud that you have accomplished something millions of others have been unable to do. That should be the basic accomplishment of any life; "I did it my way!"

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This was expressed by more men of the previous generation, but in ours and those that follow us, it might be a regret that more women express. We tend to put off spending time with those we love and want to build trust with. We need to remember that we work so that we can live, and those we love are the most important parts of that life. So we need to go ahead and live!

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

If you tend to suppress your feelings in order to keep the peace, you need to cut it out. Express yourself. That is one way to make your mark.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Love and relationships is what life is all about. Build and keep those who love you and those you love close to you. The thought of dying alone should be enough to make you make that phone call.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Realize that you choose to be happy or unhappy. Your choices are what makes you happy, and your happiness is not the responsibility of anyone else. Do what makes you happy. Live surrounded by beautiful and useful objects, among people you like. There are some things in the world that are awful, but if you choose, you can be happy and when you are happy, those who love you will be able to choose happiness as well. 

Apply this Bucket List to your FLR life...is it possible? Yes. I want to be able to die with no regrets. Read the article at Bronnie Ware's blog.

Eternal Vigilance is Exhausting

I don't know if it is laziness, complacency, or carelessness on my part that leads my man to snap at me when I correct him, to make stupid decisions on his own, or to just be careless in his service. I don't let these things pass, but they really shouldn't happen, should they? 

I was so angry when I got a call from the bank reminding me that the monthly payment was late...first time in 10 years. I could not believe it. Our motto has always been that you pay the rent first, and then the water and lights. This is a simple lesson passed on by my grandmother. I find that it holds true. You can live just fine if you make sure you have shelter, water, electricity and groceries. The rest is fluff. It is my fault for not checking up on the bills every month, or even every other month. I think, however that my displeasure made a strong impression, but I have to be more vigilant. 

My Treasure snapped at me on the phone, when I was being particularly stubborn, and pressing a point about what I think he ought to do. Now the thing with unsolicited advice from one's Domme, is you have the option of not following this advice, but you do not have the option of not listening to it. I have not yet thought of a suitable punishment for using that particularly masculine tone of voice with me. Ladies, you know that tone I mean. I am open for punishment suggestions. Remember, he is an online sub.
Thanks!

I have been remiss

I have been remiss. I have not blogged as often as I had intended to. I would think of something, get all fired up, and then get distracted and wander off into doing something else. I have become the queen of the short attention span.

I appreciate that you guys have stayed with me, and that you keep offering your comments and suggestions. You have no idea how much that cheers me up when I see your email come through. I consider you my friends. Thank you!

Right now I am not fired up about anything in particular. My life and relationships are going along relatively smoothly…college son has not gotten a job or an internship for the summer like all his friends, so that is a problem. Grown up daughter has decided to change careers…but lots of people do that. I think it is a developmental stage. Grown up son (early 20s) is partying hard, but at least he is working and doing well there. So that is gratifying. My house cleaner told me that she thinks I should have my bedrooms painted, but did not offer me money to do so. Maybe unemployed college boy  man can do that this summer! Hubby has gone down to Atlanta to see the Final Four NCAA games. He gets to wallow in the testosterone pool with his brothers. The only bad thing about that is when he comes home, he will probably have a little trouble shaking it off, which may cause issues with me. We shall see.

My Treasure has decided he is not as much of a curmudgeon as he wants to be, now that it is spring time and he can get back to his garden. He cracks me up. We may get to spend some quality time together this weekend, as my social obligations are not infringing upon my “me time.” I have been feeling stressed that our times online together have been so fragmented…a few minutes here and there every day, with a phone call when I just HAVE to hear his voice. So I hope we can socialize more. I think our relationship needs that…reinforcement. Now to think of something that will reinforce our D/s relationship, but that is fun for us both. Maybe you can offer some suggestions?

Ahh, Romance

People are always giving advice to men about how to romance their women. There is also lots of information out there for submissive men about how to romance their dominants. However, there is precious little information for a dominant woman about how to provide a little romance for our submissive partners without upsetting the apple cart of a Female Led Relationship.

How do we show our men how much we value them without them forgetting their place?

Men generally think about unlimited monkey sex when they think about what is romantic to them. But you know, you just don't have to give in to that idea unless you just want to. I would NEVER think of letting my men top me, even on that most romantic day of days, Valentine's Day. That said, I have to come up with some more creative ways to romance my subby-hubby and My Treasure.

Here are some suggestions, many of them from the guys themselves.

1. Make them something. Draw them a picture, write them a poem or a song, or even just a letter telling them how much they are loved and needed. You can decorate it (make it all frilly and girly and perfumed if you like). I gave my treasure an illustrated (by me) little mini-booklet with the words of a song in it ("our song"). He loved it. Got a little misty even. I enjoyed thinking about him as I was drawing.

2. Cook or bake him something. My husband feels so special when I make him a cake that only HE likes (with coconut...ewww). You might even buy him a food only HE likes (crab cakes....ewww) if you don't cook.

3. Sext him. Send him sexy text messages throughout the day. He is used to reading your text right away, isn't he? It would be a kick for him to get your text in the middle of an important meeting at work that says, "I am getting wet just thinking about you. Think about me." No commands or reminders other than you think he is hot.

4. Touch him. Doesn't even have to be sexual touching, but that's OK too! A hand on his shoulder while you stand behind him. Hold his hand in public. Fix his bow tie. Make eye contact. Pat his ass as you pass by while he is doing the dishes. Scratch his back. (My husband purrs like a contented lion when I do that)

5. Let him know that you appreciate his efforts. There are so many ways to do that, but sometimes we forget and take our men for granted. If he has not quite perfected his service, tell him you appreciate how hard he tries. And do NOT follow that statement with suggestions for improvement. (That's the romance part). Just say that you know and you appreciate how hard he works.

6. Let him be your hero. And let him know that he IS your hero. He wants to feel respected, needed and loved. Admire how big and strong he is (physically or mentally or both). "Gee honey, you know so many things! You're so smart, I'm glad you're here to help me!" or "What would I do without you? I like how you just picked up that sofa by yourself! Now put it down over there." Men eat that shit up. There are some things that only a man can do, and there are some things that only YOUR man can do.

7. Let him go out with the guys, no strings attached, and without him having to check in at midnight. Let him go swim in the testosterone pool with no curfew. Suggest that he call Rick and the two of them go to the Braves game down in Atlanta for the weekend. (That leaves YOU free for the weekend as well. Win-win situation.) If your man is a sissy, take him with you for a spa weekend. Go someplace where you are not likely to see your friends, and let him swim in the estrogen pool. One time only deal, and only if they have been very good.

8. Wear the leather bustier and over the knee boots for him. Be his leather dominatrix for just one night, even though your flannel nightgown is much more comfortable.

9. Blowjobs are like flowers for men. You don't have to swallow. You don't have to let him come on your face. But you can spice things up for him by gagging. Men love it when you gag . Fake it if you have to (that will make him laugh). Of course he will have had to EARN this privilege.

10. Grant him his wish. Tell him in advance so he can think of a good one, or just surprise him by saying, "Yes" when he is expecting a "No." Tell him that you said yes because he is your man and he is a good man. A mighty good man.

How I Snapped Him Out of It

Happy New Year and Valentine's Day, dear ones! I have actually been living my life since my last post. Getting lots of year-starting type things done. 

However, My Treasure has been suffering from Seasonal Affect Disorder (SAD) . Now I tried being all sensitive and understanding, letting him be uncommunicative and sleeping all the time. He has a standing requirement to contact me daily, but I let that slide, since he was so depressed. 

You know what? It is really hard to see someone you love feeling so down and be unable to help. He asked me very nicely to give him time to pull himself together, and I know he was sincerely trying to drag himself out of the doldrums. But it was taking forever! This started before Christmas, and here it was, the end of January, and, dammit, I was getting lonely and depressed myself!

I am basically a positive and sunny person, which is why my sweetie likes me. When I did manage to get him to speak to me, it was actually like talking to Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh. I responded by trying to be sensitive and caring. That is what you are supposed to do as a loving domme, right? Well I tried, but I let him have his space. 

The one day near the end of January, It occurred to me that I had had enough, and so had he. His efforts to rise from his depression were obviously not providing the desired results. I decided to go with my natural inclination, and against the advice of friends who have experience with clinical depression. I ordered him to act like he was not depressed! 

Here is my reasoning. Felix is submissive, and is used to doing what I tell him to do. Maybe he needs me to give him some motivation to actually move forward. So a direct order may be what he is waiting for, what he needs. 

My experience as a corporate trainer, Naval officer and a parent have taught me that if a person performs an action, whether or not he is feeling it, he will often begin to feel it. Plus I get what I want, which is more time with a happier man. I know that you choose your attitudes. I think he needed me to order him to choose to be happier.  He needed a firm hand and a clear expectation from me as to how he can please me. My allowing him to wallow was counterproductive and it would have eventually led to a break-up, i think. I was not helping him, and he was not giving me what I need.

I think it worked. I hear from him daily, and what is even more pleasing to me, what lifts MY spirits, is that happy lilt in his voice when he says, "Hi, Domina!" in the morning, and "I love you, Domina," when we say goodnight. All is right with our world, once again.