Sub-spotting

At my husband's company holiday party the other night, I was introduced to my husband's secretary (or as she calls it, "administrative assistant") who is a nice, nerdy girl. I was also introduced to her boyfriend, a stunningly handsome man who obviously works out. He was carrying two plates of food. When he approached, she, in the middle of a conversation with another woman, didn't even look at him, but pointed firmly to a nearby chair. He sat. She continued her conversation while he cut up the food on one of the plares, and then held it out until she noticed it and took it. She was still talking and laughing, until she noticed the waiter bringing two glasses of wine. "Why is HE bringing drinks?"  she asked, laughing. The boyfriend smiled gently and said, "He saw me trying to carry it all and offered to help." She said thank you to the waiter, and began to eat while explaining to all of us why some departments at work need to update their event calendars. Boyfriend quietly ate his food while listening to her. He could not take his eyes off her. He was smiling.

My husband, who is too gregarious for his own good, said on the way home, "I think Lori's boyfriend was bored." I smiled there in the darkness. "I think he enjoyed himself. I wouldn't worry about him."

Submission is not a feminine trait

It really irritates me when someone, anyone, refers to my submissive friend, or someone else's submissive male partner as "girly" or "sissy" or "the woman" in the relationship. And it is even more insulting when the man is obviously not effeminate.

Why is submissiveness assumed to be a feminine trait? I think it is just that men wish women were inherently submissive. Men have been trained to think that women are attractive only if they are submissive and conformist. (Men still say that they are fascinated with Asian women because they are supposed to be little dolls that are submissive. If they ever actually met any women of Asian descent, they would be shocked!) But some women, like myself, are attractive, definitely NOT submissive, and not very conformist.

That leads me to another general complaint. Why do sooooooooo many people assume that all dominant women prefer their submissive men to be womanly? I bet the real story is that a majority of heterosexual dominant women prefer their men to be manly. I do not find sissies attractive. To me it is a a kind of affliction or affectation that you just accept about a person and try to ignore as much as possible, like a missing limb or something. You just try to not stare and deal with the person respectfully despite their disability.

As a dominant heterosexual woman, I don't understand why I would be expected to be sexually attracted to a man who is emulating his idea of what a woman is. And I suspect that women who like to sissify their men are in reality bisexual or gay. I have no idea what the men in these situations are thinking. Perhaps they will tell me.

My Treasure says that wearing women's clothes holds absolutely no interest for him. He would obey if I wanted it, but only in the same way that I would allow foot worship: It does not a thing for me, but I tolerate it because I am a cooperative person, and if it isn't inconvenient and doesn't annoy me, why not?

My Treasure is a manly man, however, and I appreciate that so much. I enjoy being a girl. I enjoy being the ONLY girl in my relationship. And he is one of the millions of men who find a dominant woman attractive. Thank God for these men.

Sex in the 55 to 65 demographic

I admit it. I am in that demographic. This is when, actually, I started to really come into my own sexually and recognizing my dominance after I had my hysterectomy and was suddenly free from birth control. Since then, I have been exploring the Femdom blogosphere, and have met many, many intelligent, articulate and wonderful people who have helped me in my journey to realizing my power in my relationships. But all this happened after age 45. (I also have discovered a definite appreciation of the mature male form!)


Today I found this article on high50.com, which is the results of a survey they have taken on sexual lives of people in my demographic!

These findings reassure me. My instincts are still good. I am not alone in this.

• Some of you are in the process of discovering more about your sexuality.
• The more important sex is to people, the greater their level of satisfaction in their relationships.
•  Your narratives show that if you can discuss your sexual needs with your partner, you can overcome pretty much anything that life throws at you.
• Though some may assume that lack of sexual novelty is problematic in a long-term relationship, many of you are thriving on a combination of familiarity and creativity.
• Clearly, the more couples invest in their sexual relationship, the more they get out of it.
• Almost two-thirds say going on holiday improves your sex life

So, friends, it seems that it's true that the more you pay attention to your sexual life in your relationship, the better you'll find it and the more satisfied you will be in your life. I thought so!

Humanizing Desire

English: A man handcuffed to a bed and blindfolded (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have just started following this blog, Lipstick and Ligature, and I absolutely adore it. So much genius. This is an article I think everyone needs to read. I love it when you get The Truth. So read this.
 
http://lipstickandligature.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/humanizing-desire/

Points made that hit the mark solidly:

"... women do lust after men, after submissive men, but in a completely different way to what “mainstream” BDSM imagery would have wider culture believe. Common themes seem to centre around vulnerability and the contrast between masculine strength and submission."

"Many male submissives are being damaged by the thoughts that no women want them with their “weird” sexuality and that submission is profoundly unsexy to women. It’s all LIES, I tell you, LIES!"

"In porn, the only time we see dominant women act upon their sexual desire is with some scarily well endowed other man while the submissive cowers in a corner somewhere. You know the attitude: God forbid, his pathetic body dare arouse the desire of a woman." (Exactly why cuckolding disgusts me.)

"Dominant women want to be with and want, need, desire, crave and adore men who also happen to be submissive. Men who are humans first and submissive men second. That is the dynamic that most of us find sexually and romantically attractive." 

So yes, submissive, sensitive, vulnerable men who open up and show us their real selves are very attractive...nay, HOT. Read the post. Good stuff there.

Related articles

• Humanizing Desire

On contracts

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Pegging

I was doing some research on pegging, since I am gradually introducing subby hubby to anal play. He is kind of squeamish, but I want to nudge him along. I found this article about pegging for beginners. I wonder if anyone has an opinion about the quality of this information.

http://www.filamentmagazine.com/2011/05/a-beginners-guide-to-pegging/

Our duty is to hold our men accountable.

“A man who is accountable to no one is a danger to himself,”—Ilyana VanZant

I would add, “…and to others.” She was talking about Chad Johnson (formerly Ochocinco) who has had too much money, too much freedom, too many women and nobody to tell him, “Enough!” He has, as a result, wasted his opportunities and hurt the people who love him.

Men need someone to hold them accountable, be it an employer, a wife, a parent, a family, or God. We should be teaching our sons to be accountable to someone else, to understand that life is not all about what they want, that they have a responsibility as men. They also need someone to consciously hold them accountable.  When a man marries, his wife should hold him accountable for his actions, thoughts and deeds.

Susan Gower, sex therapist and relationship advisor? Seriously?

Ok, I call "Bullshit."

Once upon a time there was this random woman who wrote an article justifying the cuckhold lifestyle. She wrote an article that claims to be the result of "science." Her premise is that women are hard-wired to spread it around, while men should naturally be kept to one woman. Not only is this riduculous assertion served up with absolutely no evidence or proof whatsover, it flies in the face of actual scientific evidence based on research done by actual social scientists.

I Don't Want to be Your Fantasy

Second Life, Woman, Pink (Photo credit: yukali)

I was in Second Life, dancing, socializing, chatting and flirting, like I always do in Second Life, and got a private message from a man I did not know. (I hate that, but men insist on private messaging women they don't know. I guess this is their chance to say stupid shit with only minimal embarrassment.) He said that I was so hot (my avatar, he means) that he was masturbating while watching me dance. He added that I was his fantasy domme. Then he offered himself to me.

One year anniversary of our FLR.

Today marks one year since my treasure gave me the gift of the ownership of his collar. It has been a wonderful year of learning and discovering, and loving. We didn't do anything special to celebrate, but we did make a toast to a hopeful future.  It is wonderful to have a friend that loves me and thinksbthat serving me is all he needs to be happy. I am cognizant that I am indeed the most fortunate of women to have found such a friend. I love my old man. I treasure how we are together. 

A Thousand Kisses Deep

My Felix gave me this song as a gift, a gift I will always treasure. (Felix "gets me." That is rare, but it is what makes him my best friend.)
The bonus is a new version of Leonard Cohen's poem, "A Thousand Kisses Deep."

Felix, you are such a treasured friend. You are indeed My Man. I love you a thousand kisses deep.

Resources for Questioning Dommes Updated.

Calling attention to updated resource list here: Resources for the Questioning Domme. Be sure to send me links to more quality resources you know of. The intent is to provide a valuable resource to beginners in dominating, such as myself.

My Ideal Submissive Man

Lately, I have read a lot of articles and interviews on various blogs, where women describe their ideal submissive man. I predict that many men would be surprised at the answers. I know that many men have no idea, because they approach women in the wrong manner so often, and then can't understand why they are smacked down. (That might be a different topic.)

Femme Domme: Femininity and Finding One's Dominance

This is a post I wish I had written. Now go there and read this. Now.
http://lipstickandligature.wordpress.com/2012/08/05/femme-domme-femininity-and-finding-ones-dominance

Related articles

• Femme Domme: Femininity and Finding one's Dominance

My eye is on the prize

In two weeks our youngest child goes back to college. Middle son just got a promotion at work, so he can still afford his apartment. Oldest daughter just took a new job on the other coast.

In two weeks my husband and I will experience our first ever empty nest! If nothing happens to wreck it for us (Please don't get fired, kids!) we will finally achieve our first goal of the home stretch...all kids grown and gone! We aren't going to know how to act! Sex in the living room! Naked cooking! Sole possession of the remote! Our own money! Quiet! No rap music!

We will also have the chance to start experimenting and implementing some of the things we have been discussing lately. We have always been kind of reticent about sharing some of our kinky fantasies, even though we both know that we are open to trying most anything. It's strange, isn't it, that it is often harder to share your most intimate feelings and fantasies with the person you are closest to, than with a stranger? Well, we have lately, in anticipation of being on our own in our home, been sharing long-held desires with each other and making plans to carry them out.

For my part, I am anxious to start a concious and consistent regimen of husband-centered chastity, tease and denial. Our previous efforts have been pretty haphazard. But now we are going to be more purposeful. For instance, I am going to be in charge of the viagara pills, and use them as a reward. And I also plan to begin daily teasing and denial. I am also going to perfect my edging skills with practice and feedback. Of course, hubby will be getting a lot of practice honing his cunnilingual skills...though he's already an artiste!

Here's to keeping our eyes on the prize!

The Roman Dominatrix

I have just finished reading Giles English's latest book, The Roman Dominatrix. It was wonderful. A lot of our discussions in the femdom blog world have been about women who are having a hard time reconciling being dominant with being a nice girl.

They feel pressured by their partners as well as the BDSM community to be more kinky, to be more into BDSM, when we are really just basically vanilla. That scares a lot of women off.

The book, The Roman Dominatrix gives me a different point of view, and a method for being a vanilla domme, and yet keep a happy sub. The AVE method is spelled out, easy to follow and fun for both partners. I recommend this book very highly for new and questioning dominants.

Get it on Kindle

Not as kinky as I thought.

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Pushing the Envelope

Celebrating our wedding anniversary in a luxury hotel in a lovely city on the coast. When hubby told me that this surprise treat was all about me, and we would do whatever I wanted to do all weekend, I immediately thought that I would use the opportunity to push our envelope a bit.

I had hubby touch up my toenail polish. He was so cute figuring out how to keep the surface smooth. Of course that meant that it took longer than it would if I did them myself, but he will get better with practice, and I think I will give him plenty of practice.

At breakfast, he started to take the seat with his back to the wall, and he knows I hate sitting with my back to the room. He glanced at me, and I gestured to the opposite seat. He glanced at the hostess, and then away as he took the correct seat.

We had several sessions of teasing and denial. I have had three wonderful orgasms. He is great with his tongue and lips. Hubby has had one orgasm, as an anniversary treat. We just came back from a wonderful steak dinner...champagne too. Tomorrow we head home. I like this trend, and I sure intend to keep it up.

My Treasure has been offline all weekend. His area of Virginia has been without electricity for two days, so he, of course, has no internet. Even as I am enjoying our trip with my hubby, I am worrying about my subby.

This has been a great holiday weekend for the Stealth Domme!

Nice Girls Do....Don't They?

Giles English, over at How Do I Get My Partner to Dominate Me wrote a few months ago about women not wanting to admit to enjoying femdom. How does this guy know so much about women, especially vanilla women? Anyway, it is a good blog post to read. In it, Giles puts his finger exactly on the one thing I have the most trouble with: Nice girls don't hurt, maim, humiliate, tease, hit, use, or otherwise be mean to the people they love (or anyone else.)

It is necessary to learn these lessons, or none of us would be able to survive in a civilized society (if you can call what we have, civilized)...well, a community anyway. So this is ingrained in us. How do we get over feeling guilty for being able to be mean to our submissive partner. His submission means he has given us permission to do so...but we still worry about hurting him, physically or emotionally. And being seen as a mean person. Or an abusive person. Or a bully.

My treasure likes me to be more aggressive with him, but all I want to do is clutch him to my bosom and love him up. Except when he pisses me off. Then I want to kick him. But nice girls don't kick. Do they?

What do you think about this, and how can I change this gut feeling, that I am hurting him when I do what he has given me permission to do?

Love, Romance and Pornography

A blog post about love, romance and pornography from Female-friendly Femdom

One of the most thoughtful and to my mind, reasonable and logical explanations of the differences between men and women regarding, love, romance and pornography.

The logical leap from this to the subject of male submission is that apparently a submissive man is not afraid to love and care for another human being. That makes him different from those men that have commitment issues,are abusive, and that hate women. That makes him extra-special in my eyes, and it makes me so happy that I have been surrounded by such men all my life. And lucky too. I had a father who was not afraid to love fiercely, loyally and nurturingly. My husband, my sons and my submissive friend are all men like that. They love. I am so blessed.

The submissive man who is not afraid of love is the very best of men.

Which reminds me: Happy Father's Day to all you fathers who are not afraid to love, protect and nurture your sons and daughters, and to love, protect and nurture your women.

Playing

“When you’ve lost all your play, guess what love becomes. Work. Work that gets harder every hour.” — Martin Amis, House of Meetings

What we do is play. We call it a lifestyle, but our FLR lifestyle necessarily consists of hundreds of times more playing than average couples experience. If we did not do this on purpose, if this were not fun, if this were not heartbreakingly loving, we could not, would not do it. We would be simply more faceless people in the mass of faceless people that cover the earth. By playing the way we do, we are more present in our lives and the lives of our lovers. We pay attention. We play.

AfroerotiK Slideshow Images | AfroerotiK

AfroerotiK Slideshow Images | AfroerotiK

Beautiful images of Black love and romance. Check them out!

Robbing Mistress to Pay Miss

The Purple Mobius symbol for Polyamory, non-monogamy, and LGBTQ. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have had some thoughts about polyamory lately. One of the bloggers I read is shared by his wife with her friend, and the friend seems to be developing, in my opinion (not that it is any of my business really) an unhealthy attachment to the slave hubby.

It has been my experience that man-sharing with another woman is usually extremely dangerous. There are several reasons for this:

• When a man's attention wavers from Mistress, he gets distracted from his primary mission. You do not want that. Most of the discussion I have read centers on ways to keep your submissive's attentions and efforts focused on Mistress. Man-sharing subverts your efforts, no matter how well-intentioned.
• Sorry to have to say this, my sisters, but the other woman starts to do what I call, "pissing in the corners." She will start to mark out territory. Even a submissive woman will do this. You have no way of knowing what she is telling him in the boudoir if you are not there.You do not know what she is giving him that he can't get from you. You should be making sure that he understands that what YOU give him is all he is entitled to.
• It is my opinion and experience that a man cannot serve two mistresses, whether that other mistress is work, porn or another woman. (We all know that when a person is abusing pornography, he (normally he) begins to impose his fantasy life on his real live partner, who cannot measure up to the fantasy.) This is an excellent reason to limit your submissive's use of pornography. We might apply that same reasoning to a submissive's relationship with another domme.

It is my opinion and experience that a successful poly relationship must consist of one woman and two or more men. The men have only one goddess to worship and serve, and even if they do have sexual relations with the other men, they will all still focus on the woman. Any competition between the men would enhance their attentions to the woman. (Maybe a poly relationship between all women would work, also. That is a whole different subject.)

I have been thinking about and reading about the possible reasons for this phenomenon. (This is not scientific or anything, but I have been around the block a time or two, so I can express MY observations here, right? Anecdotal evidence only, folks.)

It all goes back to the basic biological fact that sex and love mean different things to men and women. Women, in general, value sex more with a partner that they care about. I have read over and over that women who engage in cuckolding their partner, eventually develop feelings for their "trophy cock" owner, unless of course they specifically take measures to avoid becoming attached.

Men, in general, on the other hand, can spread it around and save their love for one woman, even while engaging in  random sex with anything that walks upright. Therefore, in the case of a poly-amorous triad involving two women and one man, a man may try to keep peace in the house by trying to please both women, while being unaware that in doing so, one woman is bound to be slighted. He might end up robbing Mistress to make Miss happy.

Or, it might be his fantasy that he is man enough to satisfy any number of women; a kind of harem fantasy. Dominant men as well as submissive men have this fantasy. And I have seen over and over, that dominant men fail at achieving that fantasy, too. I can't count how many times I have heard a sub woman say, "Master doesn't have time for me." Master is spending his time trying to keep them all happy. Ask any Sister-Wife.

I warn my sisters who are in a poly relationship or who may be contemplating sharing your subby boy with your girlfriend. Watch that dynamic closely and be ready to cut it off at the first sign that she is marking out territory with your man, or if you see that he is not able to keep up with YOUR needs because he is dividing his efforts trying to keep up with HERS.

The first time he is too tired to do something you have instructed him to do, or when he just seems to be going through the motions, nip that shit in the bud. Just saying.

Man-sharing is dangerous.

Love Languages

Everyone in this FLR blogosphere seems to be doing that Love Languages assessment thingy. I wonder how many people actually bought the product after playing with it.

Well, my treasure and I took the assessment quiz. While the results were not really surprising to us, it did enable us to have a conversation about what is important to each of us when it comes to expressing love and feeling loved. I think we needed the conversation, because we had been having an issue with our communication skills lately. The assessment confirmed things we knew, and revealed some things about one another that further confirmed what we knew. This is mine:

Love Language Scores: 11 Words of Affirmation 7 Quality Time 5 Receiving Gifts 5 Acts of Service 2 Physical Touch

Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important--hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Now my treasure's results were mostly Acts of Service (no surprise there), then Quality Time, at 7, just like my own score, and then Words of Affirmation.

We both scored low on Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch, which is convenient since we are in an online relationship. This might be the reason our relationship works. What is most important for us is the Acts of Service, the Quality Time spent together, and the words. We have decided to maximize the time we spend together. He will work on communicating his feelings to me, and I will let myself be served more intentionally.

Playing this little game actually did function as a tool for us to use in our communication-building. I think if we remember what motivates the other, it will be a positive way to strengthen our relationship, too. Maybe I WILL buy the book!

Related articles

• The 5 Love Languages

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New Display Cabinet

my treasure and I were in Second Life last evening, exploring the grid, as we frequently do, when we found this really neat wood display cage, wall-mounted, in one of the Shibari sims. We immediately bought one and mounted it on the wall in our living room. I did not know what to do with it right away, but I did know that my treasure likes being restrained, while I am not all that into tying people up in ropes and knots. We found that this object appeals to both of us. Because of the Restrained Life relay in his collar, when I put him into the cage, posed decoratively, with his cock protruding from the bars, he was actually unable to leave the cage. I made sure he was unable to call for help as well. It has a timer on it, and I can set it for Real Life time or Second Life time.

I found that I enjoyed having him restrained like this, as it did not seem to me that he was being injured in any way, but yet, he was able to focus his entire attention on me and that is all. I have a feeling we will be using this lovely display cabinet in many ways for a while. Besides, he is so decorative himself, I think of him in that contraption as Art.

How do I get my partner to dominate me?: Evolutionary Psychology and male chastity - what's in it for her?

How do I get my partner to dominate me?: Evolutionary Psychology and male chastity - what's in it for her?

This post by Giles English gives me something to think about. This justification for male chastity seems to be right on target for me. Take a look and tell me what you think. I think that getting an orgasm without having to worry about being penetrated is the nirvana I have been looking for all my life! Why, I could have one every day, if that were the case!

Next book I am going to read is the Vanilla Dominatrix by Giles English. 

Related articles

• Before and after (vanillaedge.wordpress.com)

How do you know?

I was visiting my favorite forum today (At Her Feet) and one of the topics really got me to thinking. The poster was saying that he and his wife have never met any other couples in a Female Led Relationship, even among all the kinksters they have met.

I submit that an FLR is something many, if not most couples keep under wraps, since it is outside the traditional stated norms in our society. Therefore, it would be hard to spot under normal circumstances.

I also believe that it is more common than we would think, because of that reason, and also because many relationships are female-led, but the couple does not think in those terms, since they are basically vanilla. Any marriage/relationship in which the husband defers to the wife, in which she makes the decisions, in which her desires guide their lives together, in which she controls the what, when, where and how of their sex life and myriad other things, is a FLR.

I see it all around me, now that I know enough to look for it.

In my own marriage, I never knew. I knew that I made most of the big decisions, I controlled our social and sex life, my desires and satisfaction always takes priority and that my husband actively looks for ways to please me. I thought these were completely natural. I knew that I do not like to be bossed around, especially by my husband. I know that I demand that I be respected, spoken to respectfully and politely, and that I must be asked, rather than told. Again, I find these things completely natural. That is how I was raised, and my parents and grandparents were good role models for this.

So how does a couple know if they are in a Female-Led Relationship? Tell me your ideas, please. Let's get a dialogue going.

An evening at home (SL)

 My treasure and I are partnered in a FLR in Second Life. After we complete a scene, he is allowed to show his devotion to me. We live in a comfortable log cabin in the woods. We have a real home together and a real female-led relationship.

About Punishment

When my treasure neglected twice in one week to contact me for a whole day, causing me to worry and spend a lot of time trying to locate him...something humiliating for ME....I had him write 100 lines for me: "I will remember to contact my Domina every day so that she does not worry." I had him show his pages to me with the webcam. And it worked for us. He was reminded of his submission, and his responsibilities, and I was able to get free of the anger he had caused. I had felt insulted, taken for granted, and humiliated by his disregard for me and my feelings, because he had gotten caught up in something else and had not even given me a single thought all day.

So, his punishment. I always thought punishment like this was something you did to children, but doing it to my sub, while it may seem childish, establishes that he is serious about submitting to me, and it gives me a chance to get over my anger. The punishment is done, I see that he sees my point, and I don't have to stew, or think about how to get revenge. It is done and I can forget it. We both can move on from it immediately.

So I think using punishment is a good thing to practice and refine. And a  bonus: It is a workable part of managing our relationship online.

More thoughts on punishment: http://subservient-husband.blogspot.com/2010/06/punishments.html

My Treasure's Playlist for his Domina

His task was to make a playlist that illustrates how he feels about me and our relationship. He, as usual, does a great job. Some of the songs are weird, but I guess they meet the criteria. These were HIS songs that made HIM think about us.  So really, I should not complain. I do enjoy the other selections he has made for our playlist.

Our relationship is difficult, being online and long distance. We rarely get to see each other (though I intend to remedy that soon…that is another post) and never get to touch. We do talk online every day, and several times a week on the phone. But I have to dominate him virtually and find ways to do that. What is required is that we have mutual trust. I think we do have that trust, but I have to do something that satisfies him as well as me in order to keep the D/s relationship intact. 

One of the things I like to do is having him complete tasks for me.  He has to have instructions and he has to be able to prove his devotion and submission to me. My treasure has several responsibilities, and he is very attentive to them. One is reminding me of appointments and commitments. He also is the detail man, making sure that I am prepared for whatever the appointment requires. He does research, keeps notes, and coordinates logistics. And he takes good care of me in that regard. However, I sometimes give him other tasks. Special tasks that keep me at the forefront of his thoughts.

The last task, the playlist, was fun for him, I think, because it did challenge him and he knew it would create something tangible for me to keep. I think about him and us the entire time I am listening to it. And because it is also on his Spotify, he can enjoy “our songs” as much as I do.  

The other day I was listening, and the lyrics of the song, “I’m Your Man” by Leonard Cohen, got me to thinking. We were in Second Life, and he was masturbating for me.  I told him to take his (real life) penis out of his pants and basically just let it lay there, exposed, so that I could direct him to fondle it, or masturbate, or not, as my whim determined. I like the idea of making him expose himself for my entertainment.  I told him that I could order him to turn on his webcam (it had been broken, but now it is working again…which he “forgot” to tell me) and watch him with his penis. He volunteered that he would prefer that I not do that. (I had not asked his preference in the matter, and though I know he does not react well to being humiliated…he should not feel humiliated under my eye should he?) I think (I hope) he understood that I can watch him and his penis if I want to, and that he has no privacy from me. He and everything about him belongs to me. I reminded him that either he was my man (thank you Leonard Cohen) or not.He was quick to assure me that he was my man. But I think he was a little frightened that I could command him to turn on his webcam if I felt like it. And he would have to do it.

So I thank you, my treasure, for reminding the both of us about our relationship with your really nice selection of music for us. Here it is.

Playlist for Domina

• AVID All Stars – Im Gonna Be (500 Miles) (In the style of The Proclaimers)
• James & Bobby Purify – I'm Your Puppet (keeps running through my head)
• Sarah McLachlan – Possession
• Judas Priest – A Touch Of Evil
• Pretenders – Brass In Pocket - Live
• John Mellencamp – Hurts So Good
• Az Yet – Last Night
• Lords Of Acid – The Power Is Mine
• The Velvet Underground – Venus In Furs - Live / The Matrix / San Francisco
• Bill Withers – Use Me - Single Version
• Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
• Leonard Cohen – I'm Your Man (a new favorite)
• The Dresden Dolls – Coin-Operated Boy
• Eurythmics – I Need You
• Diana Krall – Peel Me A Grape (a long time favorite of mine)
• Stone Sour – Say You'll Haunt Me
• Heart – Crazy On You
• Gabriella Cilmi – Sweet About Me
• Diana Ross – It's My House
• The Canadian Tenors – Hallelujah

Space

What really interests me lately, is all those people (and I guess it is a failing all humans have to one extent or another) that have to make up rules for everything. These people continually try to make others obey these rules that they have made up or think they have discovered.

In the D/s life, they tell anyone who would listen, that there are things you are "supposed" to do, to like, to enjoy, otherwise you are doing it wrong. They observe something or have heard something and make it the rule for everyone. For instance, here is one such "rule:" All men like to be teased and denied an orgasm. Of course, that means, that if you are doing female domination correctly, you must deny yourself a cock inside you. And you have to deny yourself the pleasure of feeling his cum pumping into your hungry pussy. Because those are the rules.

Now, personally, I love men. I love cocks. I love how a penis looks and tastes and smells. I love to feel its strength in my hand, and feel it throb with the need to explode. I love to feel it sliding in and out of me, and throbbing and pulsing before it floods me with heat and wetness. Do you think I am going to deny myself that joy? Not likely.

I get to decide about his orgasm. I get to decide about mine. Therefore, I get to decide when he may come inside or on me. I get to decide when and how often. I get to decide everything. But if I am going to deny him, then I have to deny myself. I never deny myself. And his job is to keep me satisfied.

Therefore, new Dommes, there is only one rule. You and your partner make them up for yourselves! That is the rule. Remember that you are in a relationship, and a relationship is viable when the needs of both people in it are met. You get to decide how that is accomplished. You develop your own rules, rituals, communication styles, play scenarios, limits, etc.  You get to decide what his submission means to You.

The rule-makers often cite their vast experience in the D/s or BDSM life. ("I have 20 years as Dom"). They have NO experience in YOUR life. So they should shut up. Anything they tell you is about what works for them in their lives. Not yours.

What a new Domme needs is space. Space to discover and create your own D/s relationship with your submissive friend and lover. Space free from the rules as determined by someone else. Space to learn and grow as a couple in a relationship. Like that of every other human on this planet, your story is unique. Use your space to write your own story by your own rules.

What about Romance?

Got to thinking after Valentine's Day. My date night with hubby was nice, but kind of routine. On the other hand, my date night online with My Treasure was very nice. Romantic. He does not often play the romance card, but when he does, it is delightful.

I suppose that my day to day time with my husband is often romantic...and we have been doing it for so many years, that the feeling is more of comfort and familiarity, than thrills and excitement. That is to be expected, I guess, especially when we are stressed and busy and have to squeeze in time together. We are usually so tired, that when we find time together, we just want to sleep. And eat. But he is very good about doing little romantic things that I like, like sending me teasing emails and sending flowers and surprising me. (Limousine in NYC...with champagne!)

My online Treasure, on the other hand, hardly ever gets to be romantic with me, because I am the one calling the shots, most of the time. I occasionally ask him what he would like to do, but that does not lend itself to romance. How can he be romantic when I manage his every action? No surprises there.

However, on Valentine's Day, My Treasure was romantic. He surprised me with a new trap apparatus that featured him imprisoned in the center of a flower, naked, and he presented me with the controls. Plus there was the usual card with shooting hearts (which I love). We played happily the rest of the evening while he told me how much he loves me and how he thinks romantic thoughts about me. I found that so charming.

So, while he is my submissive and I love him, he thinks of me as his girlfriend, and he thinks of me romantically. There is a place for romance in a D/s relationship. So glad we found that out.

Third Person

My friend Serf came to visit me, in SL. He was so excited that he HAD to tell me what had happened to him and he asked me to let him come to my house to talk to me. I was worried. I thought that he might have been hurt or was ill or something even worse.

When he arrived, he was wearing a tee shirt with the word "Cocksucker" on it. He asked could he kneel for me, and I allowed that. He then proceeded to tell me what had happened to him today. He was so excited that he asked to be able to tell me in voice, rather than typing. I agreed to listen to him, though not to respond in kind. I always type.

What he had to tell me was that a friend of his, a lady who works in the restaurant he frequents, (he does her errands for her, but no sex) picked him up today and took him to a man's house and she convinced the man to allow Serf to give him a blow job/facial type. And then she took him to her house where she convinced another man, who seemed embarrassed, to receive a blow job from Serf.

I asked him how he felt about that (humiliated, embarrassed, ashamed) and why he was so excited. He said the excitement came afterwards when he saw how much his Miss had enjoyed watching them. He had pleased her, and that excited him. So much so that his hands were shaking and I could detect the excitement in his voice. And what is more, he was getting excited all over again when I quizzed him about his feelings and had him tell the story over again. How did I feel about this? I was titillated myself! So much so that I gave him this blog address and directed him to write a post here to tell his story again.

I can hardly wait until next week for him to give me a report on his next adventure with his kinky Miss. Oh. I am now to call him Cocksucker, as that is his new name.

Tied Up

This is from datingfails.org, but I can't help it...it made me laugh hysterically. It is so appropriate, and illustrates my goal/fantasy. And My treasure would love to be that guy.